The Bill Cosby video reminded me of this sketch by Bob Newhart. I wish I could have found a voice recording online, but I couldn't. We had this record when I was young, and I listened to it all the time. Someday I'm going to buy another copy, hopefully CD. My son is taking acting this year in High school. At the end of the year he has to do a monologue. I was thinking of introducing this one to him. There is one word they didn't get right in this transcription. I seem to remember it was something like "Creeping Bandis", but I couldn't find it online. Suffice it to say, it's some kind of plant.
"As I said there was a thing in the paper tonight about documentaries. And I’ve had an idea for a long time for what I think is a wonderful documentary which has everything. For instance, you go to work, you come home at night and you never really think about it. It's mechanical, it's routine. But there are a group of men who everyday, when they go to work, never know if that night they’ll return because they face death in a hundred different ways and I’m talking about America’s driving instructors. And I’d like to present the first episode in the new TV series "The Driving Instructor". Now I’d like to have you picture, if you would, this is a car, I’m the driving instructor and seated next to me is a woman driver.
How do you do, you are Mrs. Webb, is that right? Oh, I see you’ve had one lesson already. Who was the instructor on that, Mrs. Webb? Mr. Adams. I’m sorry, here it is: Mr. Adams. Just let me read ahead to kind of familiarize myself with the case. How fast were you going when Mr. Adams jumped from the car? 75 an hour! And where was that? In your driveway! How far had Mr. Adams gotten in the lesson? Backing out, I see, you were-backing out at 75 and that's when he jumped. Did he cover starting the car? .....And the "other way of stopping".... What's "the other way of stopping"? Throwing it in reverse. That … would do it. All right, you want to start the car? Mrs. Webb, you turned on the lights. You want to start the car. They all look alike, don't they. I don't know why they design them that way. All right, let's pull out into traffic. What's the first thing we are going to do before we pull out into traffic? What did Mr. Adams do before he let you pull out into traffic? Well, I mean besides praying, let's say. No, what I had in mind was checking the rear view mirror. You see, we always want to check the rear view mirror. DON'T PULL OUT !!! Hahaha! Please don't cry. I’m sorry, but there was this bus,
All right, the lane is clear now. You want to pull out? Oh, that wasn't bad at all. You might try it a little slower next time. All right, let's get up a bit more speed and gradually ease it into second. - Well, I didn't want to cover reverse this early, but as long as you’ve shifted into it. Of course, you are nervous. I’m nervous. I’m not just saying that, I’m really very nervous. Well, just don't pay any attention to their honking, you are doing fine. You are not blocking anyone’s lane. No, as long as you are here on the safety island you are not blocking anyone’s lane. All right, you want to start the car? While you are turning the lights off why don't you turn off the heater? All right, there we are, let's get up a bit of speed, that's the way. Now, let's practice some turns. The important thing on turns is not to make them too sharp, just to make a kind of gradual ... Now that was fine. That was a wonderful turn. It's hard for me to believe you’ve only had two lessons after you make a turn like ... You’re sure you haven't had more now? I find that very difficult to believe. One little thing: this is a one way street. Well, actually it was partially my fault, you see. But you were in the left-hand lane and you were signalling left and I just more or less assumed you were going to turn left. Same to you, fella! No, I don't know what he said, Mrs. Webb. All right, let's pull up into the alley up there and practice a little alley driving. This is something a lot of the schools leave out but we think it is pretty ... YOU ARE GOING TOO FAST, MRS. WEBB !!! You were up around 60 and it's kind of a sharp turn there. All right, just drive down the alley, that’s the way. Mrs. Webb, maybe we better stop here. Well, I don't think you are going to make it between the truck and the building. Mrs. Webb, I, I, Mrs. Webb, I don't think, Mrs. Webb ... I really ... I really didn't think you were going to make it! It just shows you we can be wrong, too. No, no I'll get out on your side, that's all right. Mrs. Webb, maybe it might be a good idea if we went over to the driving area. They have a student driver area over a few blocks away and maybe traffic throws you, maybe that's the problem. Well, turn here on the street, right. It's only about a block ... turn right here. Well, now that was my fault again, you see. I meant the next street. Not this man's lawn. Sir, sir, would you mind turning off the sprinkler, - please. Newly seeded, is that right? That is always a way. isn’t it. Why, I don’t suppose it is so damned funny. All right, Mrs. Webb, you want to back out and get off the man’s … (creeping band?) is that right? Yeah, just back out, Mrs Webb. Thank you very much, sir, for … Oh, now we hit someone, Mrs. Webb! Remember you were going to watch the rear view mirror, remember? We covered that. The red light blinded you. The flashing red light blinded you? The flashing red light on the car you hit blinded you. Yes, officer, she was just telling me about it. All right, all right. Mrs. Webb, I’m going to have to go with the officer to the police-station. They don’t believe it and they’d like me to describe it and now the other officer is going to get into the car and he’s going to drive you back to the driving school and then you are to meet us at the police-station. My name is Frank Dexter, why do you ask? You want to be sure and get me next time!?