Thursday, May 19, 2011

Mammogram Day

I'm just having all sorts of fun this week. Today was my regular mammogram day. I was thinking about this technology, and how there really must be something less painful that we could use to get better results. I bet when my daughter is my age, they will have wonderful, pain free technology for detecting breast cancer. But that makes me wonder about all of those useless mammogram machines that will be left out there. I have come up with some uses for them so that they won't be wasted when the better technology comes out.
Here are some alternate uses for those machines:

--They could be used in a peanut butter factory to crush the peanuts.
--They could be used in road construction to flatten out the blacktop.
--They could replace rock crushers in the quarry.
--The military could use them as means of torture to get enemies to confess.

Crush...flatten...torture... were all words used above. Yup..these machines will do that.


Grannymar said...

I bet the machines were designed by a man!

Rummuser said...

Delirious, here is a story that should resonate!

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a  lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,  "Your Honor, I'm guilty but......there were extenuating circumstances."

            The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."  I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.

            "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

            I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
            Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

            With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

            I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

            Complete darkness, the power was off!

            Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

            "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

            Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

            Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

            After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

            Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

            "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

            Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

            And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

            The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

Delirious said...

ROFL Ramana! Honestly, I don't know how anyone could stay in that vise for 2 hours! lol

Nene said...

The only time I ever wrote graffiti on a wall in my life was after I had experienced a mamogram and was waiting to make sure they got a good picture. There I sat by a blank wall. There sat a pen on the counter beside me. I picked it up and wrote: "If a MAN had to have a mamogram, he'd figure out a less painful way to have it done." Thank goodness when she came back, she only stuck her head in to tell me everything was fine and I could go. Later I thought, "I can't believe I actually picked that pen up and wrote that on the wall!" :0+

Rummuser said...

Nene, I salute you.

Inklings said...

Our mother always said if you didn't have cancer before a mammogram, you would have it after. She had one, and refused to have another until she did have cancer.
So that is why I have them regularly - I want it caught early!

Mr. Giggles said...

One of the only good thing to come out of LadyBug 's ordeal, is that she will never have to have another Mammogram!... no mams left TO gram....