Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I See the Writing On the Wall

I was talking with a friend about another friend who is having some problems. As we talked, we thought about what lead up to the present situation. We could see how things were allowed to progress, and things were allowed to go on that lead to the present situation. What may have always seemed normal to them, appears dysfunctional to the outsider. As we were about to conclude our conversation, my friend said to me, "This makes me wonder what there is in my own life that I don't see.".

I have to admit that I have thought alot about this. You see someone in a situation, and you see the red flags and try to warn them. But sometimes it is hard to see the red flags in our own lives. Our own lives are normal to us. When we live with something, it is hard to see if it is abnormal. In general we try to think the best of others. We try to put up with their faults. We try to be kind and accept them for who they are. But the problem is that sometimes we allow our selves to be victimized because we can't see reality for what it is.

I don't want to become cynical, but I'm beginning to try to look at things in my life realistically. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck. Or in other words, if someone acts a certain way toward me, and I make excuses for it, I won't see the reality of their behavior. Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about.

--A child misbehaves and begins to act in a way that is contrary to the kind of person their parent has taught them to be, but the parents ignore it because they want to believe the best of them, or they don't want to fight with them.

--A friend never calls, and doesn't make an effort to spend time with another friend. Their friend may make excuses for why they never call, but the reality is that they aren't that interested in being friends. One could argue that they are busy, but the scripture does hold true, "by their fruits ye shall know them". If they want to be your friend, they will do things to "BE" your friend.

--I often hear women say that they saw their husbands doing things that sent up red flags, but felt if they just had patience, things would change. For example, I have a friend whose husband was always hugging and kissing other women, under the guise of being "demonstrative". He ended up having an affair and divorcing his wife. She was shocked...should she have been? I believe she saw the signs, but chose not to accept them.

Like I said, I don't want to be cynical, but I do think there are benefits of making friends with reality.


JJJ said...

Interresting post, and like the old saying goes love is blind.
The same applies to friends i would think.
Some people "need" friends and love so badly they ignore the facts and hope it changes due to fear of being alone.
Sadly from what i have read and seen first hand, alot of woman get mentally broken down to accept what ever is going on in their relationship as "normal" because if they say something they are afraid their spouse will leave, and they dont want to be alone (thinking there is no one else who would want me) and normally no matter what a friend, police, or anyone says they dont see anything wrong with it, until after the fact.

Very good post i have had friends both male and female that this post applies to.

Amber said...

this is all true and yet - people aren't perfect - i had a discussion with mom once about how we shouldn't hold people to higher expectations but accept what THEY are able to give, I find that it is a choice, is a relationship worth having despite minor flaws? For example my best friend of 15 years we are the best of friends but sometimes we go a couple months between exchanging letters, it's not that we don't care, it's that life just gets in the way, but I wouldn't give up that friendship because of that.

deputymomof6 said...

My Sgt always says, if one person calls you a duck, don't put much stock into it. If a second person does, you should ask yourself if you are one. If a third person does, you know for sure!! We are all brutally honest with each other. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is a bad thing. It is all in the delivery of the message.

Native Minnow said...

See, that's the difference between you and I. I have no problem being cynical ;-)

Max said...

Hello again,

I agree with you on everything! The signs are always there but people refuse to acknowledge them *nodding*!

The kids' example was a great one; for parents many times go in denial when it comes to their children and if you warn them about it they will practically jump on your neck (even if you belong to same family).

The friendship example is a very good one too; but there are so many nuances to this example but in the end it is all the same thing (I have a friend who simply disappeared when I got engaged. She stopped calling, simply because I wouldn't go clubbing anymore. Now, I didn't make excuses for her, I immediately acknowledged her game and let her be).

The husband example is also very good; and to answer your question: I don't think she should be shocked; since the signs couldn't be more obvious than they were, right?

One has to keep his eyes open, that's all :)!